I am to go back in time, dig up my history, figure out how I got here, what makes me tick, what it is that makes me, well, Me.
And it is with this purpose in mind that I think back to the first time photography made me happy.
I was 7, and my dad let me borrow his twin lens yashicaMat medium format camera. I remember this, because I would look down with wonder into the top viewer, amazed that the image was upside down. I don’t even know if I ever used film in this camera, but I turned the crank and pressed that button over and over, pretend models parading in front of me for the afternoon.
Fast Forward to my freshman year in high school, and I received a little blue Kodak snappy camera. I took so many pictures with that little thing. It took 110 film, and I adored it, until my best friend’s brother dropped it and cracked it up like fresh crab at the market.
It was not until college that I realized that I might want to be a photographer. I took two photography courses, then chickened out, thinking that it was not a practical route, and I should go into poly-sci (POLY-SCI??? REALLY???)
Fast forward 4 years, after I dropped out of college, moved to Las Vegas, moved back home, and then joined the army. I was a glorified electrician (wait, what? Electrician???) Yes, much more practical, but I hated it.
Purchased my first 35mm camera and took so many pictures in so many places that the lab could hardly keep up.
When I was discharged, I was married, grown, and with no real work skills to show for any of it.
That’s when I decided to use my GI Bill to pay for college, and this time, it was on my terms. I got a degree in commercial photography, and have since worked in a creative capacity of some sort or another.
Which brings me back to now.
Here I sit, after a long day of avoiding looking for new jobs, questioning my decision. Am I really happier?
Should I just be a stay at home mom?
How exactly do I find new clients???
I only have to think back to that little 7 year old, staring down at the upside down image in the old twin lens camera to remember that feeling, in the pit of my stomach. It’s a good feeling, and so I continue to push on. I continue to get up each morning. And I continue to make images that I think are beautiful.
It’s what I do, after all.