It’s what I do.

It is Winter, 2010, and once again I am doubting myself.  Doubting my existence.  Doubting my craft.  Doubting what I do.   And it is with this bleakness that I enterthis contest at www.iheartfaces.com.

I am to go back in time, dig up my history, figure out how I got here, what makes me tick, what it is that makes me, well, Me.

And it is with this purpose in mind that I think back to the first time photography made me happy.

Me and Dad, the early years.

I was 7, and my dad let me borrow his twin lens yashicaMat medium format camera.  I remember this, because I would look down with wonder into the top viewer, amazed that the image was upside down.  I don’t even know if I ever used film in this camera, but I turned the crank and pressed that button over and over, pretend models parading in front of me for the afternoon.

Fast Forward to my freshman year in high school, and I received a little blue Kodak snappy camera.  I took so many pictures with that little thing.  It took 110 film, and I adored it, until my best friend’s brother dropped it and cracked it up like fresh crab at the market.

It was not until college that I realized that I might want to be a photographer.  I took two photography courses, then chickened out, thinking that it was not a practical route, and I should go into poly-sci (POLY-SCI???  REALLY???)

Fast forward 4 years, after I dropped out of college, moved to Las Vegas, moved back home, and then  joined the army.  I was a glorified electrician (wait, what?  Electrician???)  Yes, much more practical, but I hated it.

Purchased my first 35mm camera and took so many pictures in so many places that the lab could hardly keep up.

When I was discharged, I was married, grown, and with no real work skills to show for any of it.

That’s when I decided to use my GI Bill to pay for college, and this time, it was on my terms.  I got a degree in commercial photography, and have since worked in a creative capacity of some sort or another.

Which brings me back to now.

Here I sit, after a long day of avoiding looking for new jobs, questioning my decision.  Am I really happier?

Should I just be a stay at home mom?

How exactly do I find new clients???

I only have to think back to that little 7 year old, staring down at the upside down image in the old twin lens camera to remember that feeling, in the pit of my stomach.  It’s a good feeling, and so I continue to push on.  I continue to get up each morning.  And I continue to make images that I think are beautiful.

It’s what I do, after all.

This is me. And I look pretty happy.
Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s